Noah & Ally

You are making me very sad today but I still believe deep,deep down in those corridors of my mind and heart that this can exist…and whilst I want to pretty much scream under water and tantrum and cry my eyes out until even the very best waterproof mascara succumbs to my flood of tears, there is always that little flicker and pixie dust – it is just dim right now… fading…fractured. Hope is a funny thing. Labels make all things related to this emotion we call love seem so complicated and so easy. I was listening to a song that reminded me of the person causing this and it said it’s just so easy, it’s hard. That is all I feel right now. I am retreating, going inward and laughing that I really will end up being eaten by alsatians like Bridget Jones, swearing off all Daniel Cleavers.

I am absolutely petrified of online dating or just anyone at the moment showing me any type of interest. So it must be all about me for a bit I think.

Too much Disney? Too many fairy tales? Maybe, maybe not though. It seems to exist for some people.

UGH the joys of an eternally hopeful female or a seriously deluded one. Sometimes I wonder just HOW I got this so wrong. I am currently existing in some catatonic state.

So yes today I am being vulnerable and letting out my inner hopeless romantic and less logical, critical side. I am embracing the quotes of Nicholas Sparks and sighing to the sky.

I don’t really have anything tangible to help me digest this and I can’t even use my own words to communicate it correctly or with the weight I feel that would reflect how I truly feel.

Best to borrow words in that case.

Date Night

I’m not talking about that point you get to in a relationship where things are a little stagnant and to bring back the romance you reinstate date night. This concept has been around for a while in the self help circles and is deemed as healthy and a great way to rejuvenate and connect. I tend to somewhat agree. I think it’s far too easy to get complacent and comfortable and stop making the effort. Here’s a tip to the lucky man of my dreams reading this, DON’T STOP DOING THE LITTLE THINGS, EVER.

You may take date night in turns so one week you do what you like and the following week it’s your partners choice. Your date night may resemble something like this, your favourite restaurant, a night out at some cultural event like the ballet or seeing a play, a sneaky dessert, maybe a nice nature walk and picnic, seeing a movie – low key,comfortable,fun and elements of romance and quality time are wrapped up in that date.

His date night might look like this; a blowjob.

OK OK OK that may not be fair. It might look like this, sports night, beers and pizza on the couch or going to a gig, watching him surf and you pretending that you really are ok with doing nothing on the beach without appropriate shade or reading materials and that if he does ask you to go into the water you are totally cool with that because you know your fake tan will come off and yes dammit you forgot to wear waterproof mascara. You decided on a smokey eye look in full daylight on the beach. You had to draw attention to your best feature right?!  Then when you get out of the water it somehow magically makes everything stand out more like all those freckles and random hairs in random places that you were certain you removed in your weekly deforestation attempts.

In general I think the concept has many benefits…that is of course, if you have a partner to do those things with.

Lately I have been doing a lot of  “work” on myself so to speak. One blog I really enjoy is Hello Giggles which Zooey Deschanel is involved with.  I found myself reading this http://hellogiggles.com/i-dare-you-to-date-yourself and it sounded like a good idea. Date myself yeah!  I also thoroughly enjoy her TV comedy show New Girl. I can always take most of my life lessons from the character she plays in New Girl, Jessica Day. There are just so many similarities between us and I often find the parallels uncanny.

The most recent episode of New Girl sees Jess struggling with a new man she works with  and whilst this is not what I am dealing with, the end result is the same which linked into the date yourself idea.

It results in her asking her best friend Cece to read a letter to her that she wrote to herself if a situation with the boy should arise.It stated the following  “Did you learn nothing from the movie Elizabeth, you stupid little bitch?” No one respects a queen who sleeps with her subjects. I will paint my face white.No man may have me.”  I agree. I will have myself! I will date myself. At least this way I can’t let myself down right? I’m a catch right? At least that’s what the affirmations plastered everywhere are meant to be helping me believe… and no one wants to give out this vibe… well not me.

.

I thought I would walk you through my date night. Time to look after me. I am putting me first. No one will love me if i cant love myself blah blah blah.

I decided to get a massage. I am not sure whether my traditional thai massage counts as pampering myself as opposed to hammering myself. I felt beaten and bruised as if I had experienced some form of medieval torture. The overpowering wofts of tiger balm in conjunction with the bony elbows digging into me were not really creating a loving mental atmosphere. Forget quietening the mind and practicing any aspect of being present. My mind was loud with the following thoughts; “Is that normal to be making that cracking sound? Did that just pop? Does she think I can twist that far? I am certain my boobs are now exposed from that twist and we have some bad towel placement going on but I guess someone should enjoy them. Is she at least going to cover me back up? Did she just tie my hair up with a scunchie and a hair clip?” – relentless monkey mind.
As the last 5 minutes approached and the massage was focused on my head I was actually able to enjoy it but just as I was breathing at a normal rate again and and starting to relax my masseuse uttered  “FINISH” .

Next step on the date night was to get a really nice meal that I enjoyed. I felt like sneaky carbs tonight. I don’t often eat pasta as I try to follow the paleo lifestyle as much as possible. I made my favourite spaghetti bolognese – a rare treat but one I thorougly enjoy every now and then.  I got all my ingredients rushing around the supermarket. After an extra helping of parmesan cheese and a crack of a diet coke can I was ready to enjoy my meal. I took my first mouthful and tried to meditate and savour the moment practising being present and tasting it rather than scoffing it down. It tasted odd and not like beef at all. Something was wrong. I looked at the packet…PORK MINCE. Great now I also can’t read it would seem. Ew. Gross. No amount of paremsan cheese or tomato sauce was going to save this spaghetti slip up.
Moving on. I always have a bath at night so this is not anything special I would do for myself however it was included in the overall plan. The bath is probably my favourite place to be so it is pretty rare that this could go wrong but..not only had someone finished my expensive relaxing bubble bath product but the hot water was lukewarm which then went quickly to cold.

Meanwhile, whilst i  was running the bath I had popped into my bedroom to dump my work bag and open the window up to let some air into the room. I was unaware that the screens had been taken off the windows and our 12 year old Burmese cat (just want to point out here that I am 100% a DOG person but we currently only have cats and I like animals in general) had escaped out of my window into the night. I am surprised he could lift his arthritic legs and fat stomach onto the window ledge. As you can see from my picture he is more of an ‘indoor’cat. My bath was interrupted by irate screams and accusations of a missing cat. Inadvertently I had allowed this to happen. Eventually he was found in a pile of laundry inside the house.

After this I had to put on some Seinfeld. I needed cheering up and fast. There is ALWAYS Seinfeld.It speaks the truth, it brings me comfort. It is one of the only constants in my life that I am grateful for. I picked a dvd at random and it just so happened to have one of my many favourite Elaine Benes scenes. At least dating myself means I don’t have to worry about the dramas that go along with dating. Thanks for the reminder Elaine Benes. 

I think my next date night might be a movie.I am dying to see Nightcrawler .

What could go wrong in the cinema?

Yes, my next date night is going to be with Jake Gyllenhaal

(he just doesn’t know it yet)

You had me at SAMCRO

Yes you did Kurt Sutter…

I am beyond devastated that I only have a few more episodes of Sons of Anarchy left to watch. FOREVER. What will my Wednesday nights looks like now? Vast, all encompassing emptiness?
The line and following scene “you had me at hello” from Jerry Maguire ruined females everywhere. We all thought it was terribly romantic. What about the infamous “You complete me”… no no no Jerry. That just taught us to not be whole, healthy individuals. It taught us to go for the Jax Teller’s of the world.

“Don’t wait for someone else to complete you. ‘Jerry Maguire’ was just a movie.” – Oprah Winfrey.

AMEN OPRAH, AMEN.

I’m quite certain that my Jax Teller infatuation has escalated to concerning heights so it is probably for the best that this love affair will end. I think if anyone had any crush on any of the SAMCRO members it wouldn’t end well. A lot of my friends liked Opie and  look how that turned out. It can’t be healthy. Logically we know that right? So what about chemistry then? What’s its place in all this? There’s a strange chemistry that exists between me and the tv screen.Chemistry is what allows us to overlook all those massive flaws. I mean where exactly do we learn this bad behaviour from and why do we continually put up with unacceptable behaviour?

Maybe it is for the best that Jax teller will no longer be gracing my tv screen. It may have taken me 7 seasons to get there but I think I am coming to terms with the reality that Jax is no Jerry Maguire and despite all his intentions his actions speak louder.Yes, it definitely is for the best because loving you Jax Teller, means having to split you into your essence and who you really are, versus your actions which goes against your true nature …sigh. But guess what female fans? Jax is a complete package. If you are wondering what a red flag might be in a relationship I suggest Jax Teller and the SAMCRO lads might embody a few of them….let’s take a closer look.

1. Significant family and friends don’t like your partner.

Tara’s boss was pretty on the money … Margaret becomes more supportive of Tara and does everything she can to prevent her becoming totally involved and lost in the SAMCRO world. Why do we ignore the people that love us?!!

2. Unfaithful and shady behaviour

Remember that episode where your heart just sunk because even though it was somewhat inevitable … you were still hoping he was different. Your high school sweetheart is in prison …. because of you. ARGH.

3. They break the law

.. and not in a little way … in a really big way that endangers you and your life oh and happens to lie about it a lot oh and that generally makes them emotionally unavailable because they are often in JAIL! 

There is so much literature on this topic of red flags but you know I am also going to throw the following out there – he is a criminal, murderer, impulsive, unstable, abusive… etc etc and yet we just like to hit the override button and ignore these things don’t we ladies?? Sure it is from the safe distance of our couches but what are we absorbing?

Are you still swooning?
Why?
Because… look at him….!

But seriously…?

Let the justifications begin…

Oh because he means well, his hearts in the right spot, oh he’s sooooooooooooo misunderstood, he really does love Tara, he’s been through so much, he is a product of his environment, it’s learnt behaviour, he seems to be remorseful, he has to do those things in order to create the life he wants, oh he’s an antihero.

Really?

Is it ever that straightforward? Isn’t it a bit like agonising over ice cream flavours – you know they aren’t good for you but you don’t want to miss out on that experience and opportunity… just saying…

For me it is so simple.

The connection between Jax and Tara seems to negate all of the above red flags and maybe that is really unhealthy but I think portraying true connection on TV is challenging and Kurt definitely succeeded. Rather than being beaten over the head with literature about red flags, unhealthy dating, ignore the positives and look at the negatives that he is doing… what about actions…what about the indescribable connection that exists between two people…where words fail

and my favourite scene….of them ever…

Does that count for nothing?

Aren’t those moments the ones that matter that override the bad ones? The ones you feel like you can’t endure because the highs are so high and the lows are so low (or criminal in this case).  Perhaps it will be healthy for women everywhere that Sons of Anarchy is ending as is our romantic delusions with unattainable fictional biker men. We can go back to other unhealthy relationships that are seemingly less complicated with pizza and ice cream.

Jackson Nathaniel Teller you are the reason women find themselves at a place I like to call dysfunction junction.

You give us everything and nothing and you will be missed

This is for all the ladies who have a Jax Teller

https://www.facebook.com/SonsofAnarchy

sutterink.com/

https://twitter.com/sutterink

http://www.sons-of-anarchy.net/

http://www.fxnetworks.com/region-fx

Where are all the Engineers?

A strange question perhaps and one that you may never even thought about before, but friends if you have ever dared to dream about your ideal partner and their ideal job, and that just happens to be an engineer and you don’t know where to find one, look no further. I have stumbled upon an untapped resource so that if you too are experiencing any of the below, you will know where to go.

The other night I went out for dinner with some girl friends.  It was an after work affair at a pokey, hole in the wall bar. It was filled with cocktails, curly fries and tacos. The conversation inevitably lead to all things men and the usual ponderings and frustrations that consisted of “Where are the good ones? Why can’t I find one?” and I, in jest, announced that I quite fancy the idea of an engineer, and not just any engineer, one that designs rides – like my favourite rides, the Tower of Terror for example at Disney or the roller coasters at six flags. Who is responsible for creating these things? I asked to my friends, Where are these people? How do I find one? Surely they would be a good catch – they would possess such traits such as being creative,innovative,logical,fun – you get the idea. Where are these so called Imagineers that Disney claims they have so many of? Where do they go? Is this another elaborate Disney story? What circles are these people in?

Then to my sheer delight and shock my friend announced her cousin actually did this line of work and I was,needless to say, ecstatic that this category of men does in fact exist! I squealed with disbelief and excitement all at once!

Sadly he was already attached but the hope was instilled in me. I didn’t think much more of it other than a good giggle with girlfriends and a bit of daydreaming until I went home and…

Wait.

Rewind a few days. I’m sitting in my counsellors office and she is discussing with me how I probably need to start working out what I want in terms of relationships. After dealing with some disappointments recently that really knocked me about, she suggested looking at some online dating sites if only to distract me, see what is out there and really start formulating what I do and don’t like,want and need.  The idea turned my stomach, my instincts were screaming that I was not ready to do that, but reluctantly, I thought she has never  led me astray thus far so trust the process. Right?

So I get home after the pleasant evening out with my girl friends and I popped onto the only site I managed to sign up to. Somewhat hesitant and slightly nauseous with wounded esteem, I just thought I’d flick through and see what is out there. Initial observations were making me cringe but then the words “Chemical Engineer” popped up in a profile and then 6 swipes later “I’m a Software Engineer”,  another few swipes “I work in Electrical Engineering” . They are sprinkled throughout online dating sites ladies! Go forth and find your ideal guy with your ideal job. Then it dawned on me. I haven’t given this the proper thought I need. I mean what engineer was I after? Civil, Mechanical, Computer, Environmental, Industrial? Where does my roller coaster guy fit into this picture?

Clearly my counsellor was onto something. I know vaguely what I want, but not the specifics. Maybe there is something to that notion of really working out what you want and what you don’t want. I guess I have a lot of work to do.

As it turns out there is a plethora of engineers that come together to make roller coasters …

https://www1.cfnc.org/Plan/For_A_Career/Career_Profile/Career_Profile.aspx?id=tHxSvuXaCfMw7L1XadXAP2FPAXOygXAP3DPAXXAP3DPAX

…and you can find them all online!

Go forth and swipe.