I was always told and taught it was poor form to write about toilet humour and such low brow things but there are occasions where one must explain…
At times, I really do find my life is a lot like Seinfeld. A series of traumatic and somewhat comedic events unfolding in this thing called life. Some days there are so many outtakes that could easily be slotted into an episode.Think of the episode where George gets caught peeing in the shower …
…It just so happens that the topic of my real life Seinfeld escapades this week is all related to poo.
One of my biggest phobias is needing to use the bathroom and just not knowing where one is. I know my body and I know there is not much of a window from the thought and onset to the action. It is a constant source of anxiety in my life. One that sees me taking measures such as not drinking too much water before a coach tour or trip. Trying not to eat fatty things when travelling in case of an emergency IBS moment – there is definite planning included. In fact, it’s such a part of my life that I often disclose it straight away to anyone entering my circle. Might need to reassess that as it may not be so alluring to men – but hey it’s better than the alternative right? You know that scene in Bridesmaids where Maya Rudolph’s character has a bout of food poising and has to go right there and then… well that is a very real outcome.
Anyway, I went for my usual hourly lunch time walk. I need to get out of the horrible fluorescent lights and into nature. I have never really been someone who is regular or able to ascertain just exactly when I will be required to go to the toilet. I am a bit all or nothing. Busting or just waiting, waiting until then I am at the point of immediate expulsion. I was a few kilometres from the office – enjoying the sun and then I felt a slight niggling down there. The fear started to escalate and my thought pattern went like this “Oh.. is it? Is that? Do I need to do a..? Oh. Oh I think I do. You will be ok just turn around and go when you get to the office” Perhaps a minute or two passed and then the situation escalated to emergency status. Red code alert. You know the expression ‘Shit’s getting real’ – well quite literally this was happening. Where could I go? I knew there were NO public toilets anywhere and the walking was encouraging things to move. I was surrounded by bush but even if I did do that, I had nothing to wipe with or use to dispose of the waste.
Usually I would be ok with this type of situation if it was in a designated national park or whatever and I have no hesitation squatting – my parents always taught me, if you have to go you have to go. Once upon a time we didn’t even have these weird structures called toilets…ahh…but a lot of people from work walk around here and even though it is bushy and natural, there was no where I really could go to be out of sight and feel 100% out of view. Plus there are a lot of tracks that join onto roads and other cycling pathways.
I was forced to walk back to work and nearly crawl back. I was so desperate that I was nearly in tears. I used muscles I didn’t know I had – and had an epiphany that maybe this is what my yoga teacher means when they say “lock on your core”- oh it was locked on alright.
I managed, just, to get where I needed to be and do what I needed to do. Now I carry an emergency plastic bag and wipes with me JUST IN CASE this traumatic situation arises again. I NEED THESE AMAZING THINGS -THE PEEPOO BAG. I mean we carry these things for dogs… why not us?
This morning on my way to work an exchange about a poo related incident occurred. I am staying over at a friend’s house and she was obviously doing her best to ensure the place was ready for a guest. A very lovely and thoughtful gesture. The following text message conversation ensued.
I have promised her I will do my best to keep my toilet behaviours out of her place until the plumber can fix this which I believe is currently in progress. I must admit it gave me slight anxiety because I don’t know what my meal will entail tonight at this function and hopefully it doesn’t cause a situation to develop…The poor thing just wanted things to be nice for her first guest. I must say she is very creative in her removal methods of the blocked item but I erupted with laughter because chocolate paddle pops are chocolate ice creams and the thought of her poo being in this box frozen in the shape of the ice cream and accidentally put back in the freezer gave me the giggles – so much so I snorted on the bus with laughter.
Poo problems are more common than you think. At the very least they can give us a much needed laugh during the working week. I believe these situations are character building and only good growth can come from it!